{July 19, 2017}

First of all, I want to apologize for not posting sooner! I haven't been near my computer the last few days.

In that time, I did find out how I did on my test. It wasn't terrible, though I know I could absolutely do better.

Leaving my test, I immediately felt like I was an idiot. I knew that I should have studied more and my poor grade would be reflective of my efforts. Sadly, I am a perfectionist, so when I make mistakes, the smallest of blunders seem like the end of the world in my mind.

While I know that true human perfection is not possible, I aim to get as close as I can to that, and it takes a toll on my perception of myself. I am my biggest critic and worst enemy, and it's something I have struggled with from the time I could understand and internalize what self-hatred was.

In these moments when I feel weak and worthless and useless, I could turn to things that comfort me in that moment, like a fat slice of cheesecake. Unfortunately, food can only give me temporary satisfaction because after I finish devouring said slice of cheesecake, my mind spirals into an array of hateful thoughts.

"Why did you eat that whole thing? Do you know how many calories that is? You'd be skinnier and prettier if you didn't let food comfort you. Don't be such a fattie."

In case you were wondering, I did not eat said slice of cheesecake because I wanted to resist the temptation of instant gratification and impulsive decision-making. Instead, I came home and opened my Bible, and it suddenly felt like my eyes and ears were fully opened too.

"The Lord directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives. Though they stumble, they will never fall, for the Lord holds them by the hand." -Psalm 37:23-24

So, maybe I didn't study as hard as I should have, and I'm planning to read a chapter of my Economics book after I finish writing this, but no matter what happens, I know that God is leading me onward and allowing me to learn from my mistakes so that I can grow more into who He made me to be.